Recovery from a Narcissist Parent

Several of my counseling clients are bright women with big, successful careers. They are amazing! But despite their outer success, they continually struggle with the inner anxiety of "not being enough", fear conflict with colleagues, over-work, have low self-esteem and aspire to be perfect. And, yes, they are working with me to recover from the effects of a Narcissist Family Dynamic.

Exploring and bringing into awareness my clients' family dynamics with helpful and practical tools in re-aligning their current life is the first step. I am not talking about Psychoanalysis twice a week for life. I am addressing the fact that thousands and thousands of us were parented by Narcissists and are clueless about how that might be affecting us as adults in the "now of our lives." I know this from personal experience as I have been through it.

My clients had never considered that their mother may a Narcissist. It certainly never comes up in family discussions. They often think their Narcissist father was just "behaving like a man of his day." So, reading the articles I send them really helps to provide an intellectual understanding before the deeper dive into their lives. The male-dominated psychological literature would have us believe that only grandiose men are Narcissists. Not true. Mothers can be Narcissists too. Growing up in a Narcissistic Family Dynamic requires different roles for each family member to play. Becoming aware of the role you played, and that you might still be continuing to play, is necessary to revising how to responding differently.

When a successful adult woman is battling perfectionist tendencies, it’s usually based on her family of upbringing, and what was expected of her growing up. She has probably internalized her self-value paired with her achievements.
Thus, personal value is based on external validation. Beware! This can make her prime bait for a repeat round with a charming (and demeaning) variety of Narcissist as a best friend or partner. Or selecting friends and partners not worthy of her.

What is a Narcissist? Anyone who engages in behaviors that tilt on the extreme end of self-preservation, self-interest, high self-regard, and self-involvement, to the extent that the basic needs, wants, opinions, or feelings of others (even their children or partners) are ignored or neglected or invalidated, is probably a Narcissist. Also, If their behavior is habitual, chronic, affects the quality of their relationships, and is overcompensating for low self-worth and feelings of inadequacy based on unmet needs, abuse, neglect and the wounds from childhood.
However, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is an impairment in personality functioning, including a set of specific behaviors and traits that are long-standing, affect the quality of a person’s life, and are damaging to their sense of sense-identity and feelings of self-worth. To be diagnosed with NPD, a person must meet at least 5 of 9 of the specific traits/behaviors in the DSM-V manual. Just as no two people are the same, no two Narcissists can be diagnosed as the same and there are different kinds of Narcissists.

Narcissists Need To Correct Others. But let's get back to some of the effects my adult women clients are sorting out. When we are children, we do not know the difference between parenting and guiding a child, versus over-correcting, constantly criticizing them, using them and shaming them. Micromanaging children’s lives, what they wear and how they appear to the outside world is often a Narcissistic Mother’s style. She is not interested in the child’s perspective as much as how the child (especially daughters) reflect on her. Fathers who are Narcissists usually want the household to revolve around them and their needs, insist that their kids to get straight A’s and are “winners.” Or maybe they just ignore them. "Don't bother your father." may have been the wife's plea as daughters witnessed their mother's constant effort to please. The compulsion to always expect more from their kids or to ignore them in favor of their own pursuits is a simplified overview of Narcissist parenting. That, and Narcissists are completely lacking in empathy. They do not seek to understand and do not care about any one else as much as they are guarding their own image. Children of Narcissists are told to "Toughen up" or "Get a grip" or "Don't be so sensitive." or "Stop being such a cry baby." Or they are ignored. No wonder adult daughters of Narcissists are reluctant to speak their truth!

A Narcissist parent may go overboard to “help” you, while in their minds they believe they are doing the “best” thing for you without asking what you really want or need. Their motive is not in your best interests, but theirs. They may offer you help with a business venture, only to brag to others that you could not have done it without them. You may pay your own way through college or succeed upon your own merit, and they still say you have them to thank.

Fast-forward into adult women's lives who were reared by a narcissistic caregiver with a compulsion to overly-correct them, not allow them a voice, and never validated them ~ Is it any surprise that they can now find themselves being further bullied by lovers, friends, partners or coworkers, who try to correct them at every turn, offer advice, take advantage of their work ethic, and further damage their sense of self-worth? If the little girl did not learn how to separate her own personal value from the toxicity in her life she will truly struggle as an adult to establish boundaries and be able to advocate for herself and her worth.

Narcissists Need To Be In Control. As a way of maintaining control, Narcissistic behaviors may come across as the person orchestrating how everyone “should” act, or how things “should” be. Appearances are important and what goes on behind closed family doors is kept there. Or, they may flip it and try to control the family by playing a victim. Dad may remind you of his sad and wounding childhood and how much he works. Many daughters are called into duty as “little mothers” and constant household helpers when their Narcissist mother is frequently “indisposed” from "all she does for you." Daughters may frequently be reminded of their looks and body and not in a supportive way. Food portions may be controlled causing eating disorders and body-image issues. Clothing may have been selected for her, not of her choice.

​Narcissists Are Addicted to Appearing Perfect. Narcissists usually were badly wounded in childhood. They struggled to adopt outer appearances of perfection to get some loving attention or to avoid abusively harsh reprimands at home and out in the world. So from this place of "play-acting perfection" is how they parented their own kids. They rarely, if ever, seek therapy or change. After all, nothing is wrong with them~ everyone else needs to change! So, daughters of Narcissists try their best to be perfect and the Narcissist parent continues to feel entitled and ignore her feelings.

Guiding clients on the journey back to their essential true nature, self-love, self-compassion, different life choices, stronger boundaries, and self-empowerment is the healing work I truly love. It is not too late for Adult Children of Narcissists to do the healing work of reclaiming our true nature and self-empowerment. In fact, the time is now.